The quarantine chronicles

Column by Michael Alcorn
Posted 3/31/20

Day One: At last!! Nirvana for introverts! A socially acceptable reason to crawl to the back of my cave and huddle. Like Gollum. Or Jack Nicholson. Day Two: Starting to think this might not have been …

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The quarantine chronicles

Posted

Day One: At last!! Nirvana for introverts! A socially acceptable reason to crawl to the back of my cave and huddle. Like Gollum. Or Jack Nicholson.

Day Two: Starting to think this might not have been the best year to give up television for Lent.

Day Four: also, day ten without sports. There’s a woman on the couch with me. Apparently, she’s my wife. She seems ... nice.*

Day Five: the kids doing school from home seems to be going well. I hope the teachers all realize, however, that the students are going to come back doing math the old way.

Day Six: saw my neighbor scraping the “My child is an awesome student” sticker off her car today. I’m guessing homeschooling not going so well over there.*

Day Six (2): looking up at the night sky tonight, I see a line of lights moving across the sky. Apparently, that’s just Space X, but, I’m not gonna lie — part of me was thinking (hoping) Skynet.

Day Seven: I have never seen a happier neighborhood full of dogs than I have this past week. It would seem that we are all much better pet owners when we’re not tripping all over ourselves trying to “get things done”

Day Eight: rough day of homeschooling. One kid got detention, the other one is suspended for the week. Teacher may need to be fired for drinking on the job.*

Day Nine: It would appear that we are all going to have immaculate lawns this summer.

Day Nine (2): My sister called. She was looking for some ideas about things to do during lockdown. Apparently, she watched Netflix. All of it.

Day Ten: Look, if we all have to be in social isolation, why doesn’t Congress? Phase one relief gets held up because some Republicans have to have a moment to grandstand; 72 hours of negotiations get wasted because the Democrats filibuster so they can grandstand; 48 hours later the Democrats hop off their grandstand, apparently after seeing a poll or two; two days later, a Republican forces Representatives to race back to Washington so he can grandstand a little, too.

Is it just me, or should Congress be forced to work from home? I’m betting those grandstands get a lot less comfortable when the people whose lives you’re messing with see you at the grocery store.

Also, Day Ten: boredom must be setting in. I’m actually paying close attention to Congress.

Day Eleven: just received the news that a friend of mine is in the I.C.U. with complications from the Wuhan coronavirus.

Husband not allowed to visit. This is not a drill, people.

Day Twelve: public speakers get used to the interplay with the audience, they know when to pause for laughter, when to change inflection… Take a bow, all you comedians, teachers, pastors and the like who continue to do their thing during this. Can’t be easy.

Sit down, politicians.

Day Thirteen: missing sports so much I was just doing play-by-play of the family scrolling through the cable guide. In a related note, first impression of “wife” may not have been entirely accurate.

Day Fourteen: teaching from home is interesting. Trying to still be professional, but find myself adopting the “news anchor” approach: hair combed, shaved, nice shirt on…haven’t changed out of my pajama bottoms in two weeks.

Day Fifteen: SCORE!! Just got a whole package of toilet paper. Family had Mexican food for the first time in weeks tonight. I wonder….. when Venezuela went to Hell in a hula hoop about ten years ago, was the first thing on Venezuelan’s minds “do I have enough toilet paper for the next two years?”

Day Sixteen: the internet trend of making chalk stained-glass drawings on sidewalks and fences was going very well. Until the 18-year old decided to make chalk outlines of her siblings and myself in the driveway. CSI-style.

Just trying to have some fun during these challenging times. *denotes memes I stole from somebody else. So sue me.

Michael Alcorn is a teacher and writer who lives in Arvada with his wife and three children. His new novel, “Charon’s Blade,” is available at Amazon.com, on Kindle, or through MichaelJAlcorn.com.” His opinions are not necessarily those of Colorado Community Media.

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